Teacher Hacks

Always leave the book you don’t want the HT to see on the top of the pile if they do drop-in book samples. No self respecting headteacher takes the one from the top.

If you are called to the HT’s office, don’t worry. Simply go in and report something worse that someone else is doing and they’ll forget all about your misdemeanour.

Want a perfect looking display? Don’t forget that double mounting and laminating everything increases it’s attractiveness factor by 217%.

A slow moving bin lorry is always the perfect excuse for over sleeping and being late.

If something breaks in your classroom, always blame a child.

Always arrange an emergency phone call to arrive 20 minutes after the beginning of any difficult meeting with a parent.

If you are male and want to avoid funny looks in singing assembly, miming will solve your problem.

To pay for your summer holiday, add £1 to a jar every time a child asks you if they can go on to a new page. By the time July swings round you’ll have saved enough for the dream trip to the Maldives.

If you jam the photocopier, make sure you shout ‘I can’t believe someone has jammed it and walked away!’ loudly enough for a colleague to hear.

When doing playground duty, simply buy two phones, place one on the playground and FaceTime it from the warmth and comfort of your own classroom.

Make parents evening run to time by having a large timer on your desk. Preface every appointment by saying ‘it’s not for you, it’s for me.’.

If you forget to file your weekly planning, don’t worry, no one is checking it anyway.

To make the return to school easier simply think of the fact that’s it’s actually only 30 working days until the next holiday. Brilliant!

Position your desk so it can’t be seen from the door. Work with the lights off and people will assume your room is empty. Uninterrupted time will abound.

Tackle awkward birds and bees questions from pupils by explaining it isn’t in the National Curriculum so they will need to ask their parents. Increase the awkwardness by seeing the parent after school, telling them the question and making sure they ask the child at home.

Brighten a dull assembly by catching another teachers eye and mouthing something. Watch their confusion unfold as they can’t understand you. Compound this by saying it doesn’t matter when they ask you later.

To make INSETs training pass more quickly, play cricket with the speakers umpire like arm movements. Keep track of 4s, 6s, wides, no balls and wickets. A full test match is possible if they are very animated.

If you put two books on top of each other and press hard enough you can mark two at a time.

Reduce your workload by nominating other staff members to take on initiatives in staff meetings. Expound their virtues loudly to make their suitability for the task undeniable.

During a learning walk or lesson ob to your class, tell children to raise their right hand if they know the answer and their left hand if they don’t. Now it looks like they are all engaged all the time with every question.

And finally…

Don’t actually use these. Well, maybe not all of them anyway.